A Rainbow of Words

What is love without compassion?What is life without pain?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

COA-ashly

Before my mom and stepdad left to the airport to board their non-stop flight to the Philipines. Mom gave me a kiss on the cheek to reassure me that two weeks without them wont be as tough as it seems and that this is a test to see how mature i have become. I know she is happy to see me grown but at the same time shes so afraid to leave me behind, by the way her words tremble out of her mouth and her lips quievered as if a gust of icy cold wind had brushed her neck, still she held my face in her hands and stared me straight in the eye and said "Think before you do".
Little did i know that those four short words would mean so much to me during the course of those two weeks. Though i knew i was going to miss her i was excited and happy they were leaving, so i smiled embraced her, exchanged a burning glare with my stepdad while he handed me two-hundred dollars which was suppose to be my "emergency" money.
Good-byes were finished and the door was shut. I waited for their silver van to pull out of the drive way as i sat next to the window. Couple secconds later when they were for sure out of site i jumped up and dashed to the nearest phone to call people up and start making plans for the weeks that lay ahead.
Later that day i had already made plans to throw a party, about 18 people were expected to arrive so i straightend the house up knowing that it will look as if a tornado had rumaged through soon after. I made sure everything we needed was available and the phone began to ring, when i answered people had started to pull up into the drive way with bags of beverages and chips. I took a deep breath and thought this through knowing the consquences that i would have to suffer if worst came to worst. I twisted the knob slowly and greeted everyone with a kiss on the cheek and "hey come in". About an hour after everyone who i had invited was there we all hung around the living room conversating and catching up with everyone. I went upstairs to check if everything was alright. After i made sure trouble was no where in site, a van of people unloaded them selves and walked up to my door. At frist i was thinking to my self , "well the more the marrier right?". WRONG. Next thing i knew music was blasting people were raging and my house was torn up just like you'd see in the movies. Yeah, of course i panicked and started yelling at everyone to calm the f*** down before i start kicking people out.
Suddenly everyone stopped and started to apologize about being such idiots and i explained to them how the care of the house would jepordize the amount of my allowance for my trip to seattle. Everyone calmed down and started to chill again and of course we had an enourmous amount of fun after i had pulled out my twister game.
The party died down aroun 2 a.m and people began to leave about half an hour later i had ten people left over who were asking if they could spend the week, i really didn't care since my parentals won't be home anytime soon. so of course i said yes and told them to go find a room to crash in.
For one whole week the agenda for each day was the same, go out to the beach, come home, party. My house was a mess inside and out. People laying anywhere knocked out on couches and my fridge was no longer stocked. I knew i had to go to store and use the emergency money for something that was such an emergency. I started to feel afraid of what may happend if my neighbors tell my parents, since i had a noise complaint the other night. I tossed that feeling behind my shoulders and made my way to the store to pick up some grocieres with my friends.
When we cam home we cooked and cleaned and tidy up the whole house and i felt relieved. There no evidence and i still have one more week to perfect everything and to make sure everything is in proper place.
When the time rolled around the corner for everyone to leave, i was left to pick up everything that was not done such as laundry , loads of dishes and of course...trash.
I did what had to be done and i searched my whole house of any thing that would rat me out and found nothing. I started to feel gulity for taking my mothers trust and faith for granted, i didn't regret anything because when the arrived home everything was normal and i did not get caught.
I wish i did think before i acted, i get feel guilty every now and then from what i have done. I sort of wished i took those four words serriously. I felt matured becuase in a way they passed me the torch of responsibility and i took advatage of it. Although the house wasn't torn down literally and everything that had to be done was done. I feel as though i didn't fully deserve it but i knew that as a young adult i'd have to live with it.

Slid down the rainbow at 7:10 PM

3 Comments:

At August 20, 2008 at 9:47 PM, kayla♥ said…

kalya's comment to ash:

ASH!
2 words...LOVED IT! it was well organized and YOUR WORD CHOICE! it was EXCELLENT!
you were very thorough when it came to explaining the situation. your emotions were clearly stated and expressed.
the vocabulary used in this piece gave a special flare to your paper.
keep up hte good work!
your stiry was orginized very well and it ran through smoothly.
At August 21, 2008 at 10:45 PM, sophie said…

Ash! this paper's ideas were strongly presented. the story was thouroughly showed. And you included details that were very smoothly inserted.. in the first paragraph, when you were saying goodbye to your mom, you did a great job in using physical detail to show how she was feeling. ["by the way her words tremble out of her mouth and her lips quievered...]
Clearly, the organization was in chronological order, but it wasn't boring because each paragraph was a section in time. [That is such a cool and fun way to order your piece!!]
Your voice was very loud in this piece. The verbs that you used like "jumped up". "Twisted the knob slowly" is also a way of telling the reader that you were hesitant/nervous.
The sentence fluency was really strong in the first paragraph because you 'layered on' your mom's emotions. Starting in the fifth paragraph, it seems like stopped paying a lot of attention to the sentence fluency. (Almost like you rushed it.) I think that more exiting verbs could be really used in the sixth paragraph. There's a lot of opportunities to make those ending paragraphs really bloom. I think you just need to take more time on it. And I think it would be nice if you showed some more of your emotions at that time.
The word choice is really great in this piece. Like your use of "burning glare", "as if a tornado rumaged through", "jepordized".
Some suggestions for ending your piece are to do the same as you did in the begining of the piece. More details on your feelings after the party was over would draw me in to read it over and over again. Instead of saying "I sort of wished" you could probably add to that and show how you felt. And just like in the beginning, name some physical aspects. [as if I were looking at you when it was all over.]
This piece is really great, Ash, and I can't wait to read it over when it's finished!
At August 24, 2008 at 4:14 PM, lsueoka said…

Hi Ashly,
I can see why Jacie and Sophie enjoyed reading your piece--what an experience! I agree with them that your voice comes through strongly and that you have some good word choice and detail.
My advice on word choice, though, is rely more on strong words and active verbs than on figurative comparisons. Notice that Sophie highlights the "tremble" and "quivered" in your mom's last words, rather than the part about the icy wind.
My main question, however, deals with the "life lesson" of the piece. I'm not sure it shows "coming of age." I don't think you have to make up some "moral" to have it work, but I do think you need to address why you feel getting away with the experience is a "coming of age."
For example, during the first party, your reason for getting the guests to settle down is that your allowance in Seattle depends on it. How does that show adulthood or maturity?
You may need to think a bit more about the experience to figure out why you feel it was a COA.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s