A Rainbow of Words

What is love without compassion?What is life without pain?

Monday, September 29, 2008

People Make Me Happy

I think, too often, involuntarily and way too hard. This is why it took two days to figure out how to go about writing this college admissions essay. I spent at least a day writing a rough draft that in the end was only scrunched up into a paper ball and tossed into a black wire mesh bin that is almost always filled to the top with my outlines and rough drafts. Rough drafts of letters to an admissions office in UCLA that have paragraphs of why I should be chosen and what sort of goals I wish to obtain, what sort of expectations I have for myself and even a brief flash back of my child hood.
Friends are always turning to me when they need advice or when their confidence meters are running low; I don’t mind it at all I’m always a loyal listener who looks at everyone differently, not one person is the same which means their feelings should all be carefully took into consideration. So it doesn’t bother me to hear “Ashly can we meet after school? I need to talk”. Why not , I have nothing else to do except take the bust right after school which stops at King St but I live on Kalihi St so I have to transfer two more busses just to reach my destination. This leads to my most common reply to my most common request.” Yeah sure you can tell me everything when you’re ready”. It’s a sort of weakness I guess, I can’t say “no” to a person in need especially when all they simply ask for is someone to talk to, someone whom they can trust and confide in. When people look up to me in way where they are lost , confused and even depressed it makes me feel better that they can use me as some sort of refuge. It makes me feel needed and gives me another reason to cling on for the next day.
As a child I often was left alone to figure things out, when I was five my father passed away from lung cancer which meant my mother was constantly away and four out of the seven days in the week she would be out working three different jobs just to make ends meet while my older brother was only home at night. Each morning I’d wake myself up at about six to get ready for school and head to the bus stop at the bottom of my hill. When school was over I would take that same bus home sitting quietly alone on my own bus seat. Returning home from school felt so empty, the house was almost dead with not even a squeak of the rats that often ran around in the attic. I would place my back-pack on my kitchen table and fix myself a quick snack before I start on homework. I guess you can say I was trained well but maybe a little too much to the point where I almost forgot how to act like a kid. I didn’t bother to complain to my mom because she was such a hard worker and I didn’t want her to worry about me so much while she was busy making money, as I sat at the kitchen table alone talking to myself was the only way to keep me sane. I longed for someone to talk to and someone to guide me I was all grown up by the age of eight doing my own chores and making sure that I do what needs to be done before I do things that I want to be done.
Sympathy had over taken me as I grew older; instead of feeling sorry for myself I reached out to others and helped them through their hard times to account for every time I was not heard. Putting others before myself, listening to their voices and taking those under my wings had helped me to become a more selfless person, someone who saw the beauty in everything no matter how ugly the situation really was. I was pulling the sweetness out of the bitterness, making good come from bad and showing everyone how to become a selfless more respected person.
So I decided to take psychology get into people’s minds, what they really mean and why we feel the way we do in certain situations. I figured if I could answer all my questions I could be better at something I’m already good at. Helping someone understand themselves is my passion watching them overcome their fears or even changing them for the better helps me sleep soundly at night.
I love people, anything to accommodate them productively I will do. My long-term goal in life is, to change the way people see things but the first step is to understand why people choose to see things in the way that they do. I’ll start with one person at a time and hopefully when my time is done I’d at least make some kind of change even if it was for a few people’s lives I’ll die happy just knowing someone is smiling because of me.

Slid down the rainbow at 12:28 AM

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